A poem written on my inner thoughts about my crippling fear of failure.
I’m scared of trying
Because I’m scared I fall
I’m scared I do all the work- Just for it to mean nothing at all
I worry that I’m not doing as much as I can
But I swear I can’t help it
Im too scared of what will be said about me
If they see I am just as I am
And there’s nothing too special about that
I crave the validation
I crave the applause
I live for the desperation
And envy of others
when they too must climb
This hustle ladder
That will kill someone if they fall
But most of all I crave the pride
in my father’s eyes more
More than I crave the air that I breathe
The way he has only ever
looked at my siblings
That glow
That sparkle
Because they perform
top of their class
Every time
Without fail
And spend all day at their books
Aiming for the stars
All I ever get
Is the same tired look
The dim light of boredom
The eyes that see through me
As if calling on a phantom
Rather than my person
And always asking me
How I feel about my work
And even if I am satisfied
He never will be
Because I will never be her
Even when she failed she got praise
For failing gracefully
As opposed to I
Who fails,
according to him,
Loudly
With a crashing and burning
Of the world around me
As my lows are never allowed to be my own
But must always be broadcasted
To his members
So they can all learn from my mistakes
I see the way
they snicker
behind cupped palms
I hear the whispers
The moment I enter or exit a room
I always see the prying eyes
To see if I’m going to crack
I get the prodding fingers
Of questions
I wish I could fail loudly
Screaming in delight
And sigh in relief
When my shackles are cut from me
To fail with a crashing and burning
Ugly and in a blaze of fury
Taking the whole world
in flames up with me
And watching the embers fall
From the sky above me
The tears of heaven
That fall with me as I weep
The only eyes present
mine and the hosts
To fail before an audience
Whom meet from a place of understanding
Rather than cruel judgement
Contempt and mockery
I want the freedom to fall
And to be okay with it
And not feel the need to explain
Why or how I fell
And why I feel this twisted joy
At the hope of something giving
And getting better
The feeling of being able
To control one shard of life
Is what keeps the blood in my veins
Pumping
I want to fail in private
Without being made a spectacle
I want to fail
And not hate myself
Or my abilities
I wish to fail
And to not have his whole
Congregation find out
And have all of the pursed lips
And dull eyes
Ask me why she was always better
I want to be allowed to be me
And not compared to her
Or to them
Or to him
I want to be allowed to be satisfied
Instead of exhausting myself
And whittling myself down to the bone
Every day
indefinitely
Until I reach the so called perfect
The golden era
Of my so called
Academic success
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