When the world around is flourishing
Or perhaps thriving at its best
You look at yourself in the only mirror of your house
And observe the fading laugh lines around your eyes
This is the only way to know that you have grown
But not happily
You wait for the cat that visits you three times a day
And compare his love with those around you
Wondering where it mingles together and where
it separates
I think sometimes the smallest of reasons, like
thinking of your cat dying of hunger, makes one
survive at the least
But other days, you see your father with his
sullen face, and sad eyes
He doesn't say anything when you wake up in
the morning, no attempts at talking
You don't either
The only distance between you two is not just
age but this reminder of how things when left
alone for a while learn to accept emptiness as
the only normal
Your father left you just like your dream
He sometimes calls it a mistake and you,
reckless
The gaps develop like trails of a track expanding
and contracting
Some days you are there loving him so much
that it hurts
And other days you hurt because he doesn't
Nobody says a word to each other
This is how indifference feels like
You buy a flower, let it droop under the sun
And then ponder over the regret of not watering it
enough
This is how you become just a child and not
daughter
As if daughter is an action verb even when you
learn it from your mother about being a good one
You stare at the world
Dancing, drinking, celebrating life as if they know
that it is their last chance at making it look like a
good one
After all, we want to be remembered not like the
shadows of our unfulfilled desires but
abstractions of everything we were
This is how I know I will be forgotten soon
enough
Like losing one rupee coin and not noticing the
change in the weight of wallet
This is how I know my father will not remember
me as a child
But anger
Vapours of his colours that I couldn't paint with
I get up again thinking that fathers are made that
way
You grow up in their arms
Until you forget to differentiate between rope and
embrace
And when they set you free ( which they will)
You learn to notice how wobbly your feet are
This is the only rule of nature
You hate your parents until they start hating you
back
You kill a flower and spend the rest of your life
arranging its funeral
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