Did you wake up one distant night to lightning crashing?
Did you realize, while the thunder shook the earth and rain battered the window,
that fear was a feeling in your body and that differed from your state of mind?
That instinct was something you could override?
Before, when you were pure physical sensation, had you found contentment
in your mother’s womb and arms?
Were you easily comforted and deceived
by passfiers that took her place?
What was it that had turned your crib a cell?
The soft blankets that had once swaddled your bare body
now suffocating?
So crushing
that you had made for a tumble to the floor, even with the anticipation that
it would hurt when you fell?
Did you understand, then, that
flesh could be sacrificed for freedom?
What was freedom?
Do you understand that freedom is only restricted
by your awareness of its
dimensions and
hidden limitations?
Did you stumble and trip across the ground,
barely accustomed to these mechanics
but delighted with freedom?
When you were obstructed by a closed door and
the handle was out of reach,
did you understand you were mistaken?
Would you have started running if you knew you could
never stop?
That you’d always have something
new to run from?
Did you regret understanding?
Have you started to regret understanding?
When did you start reading faces as
interpretations of complex intentions?
When did you feel the need
to hide your own?
Decided it better to be misunderstood
as you understood?
Do you think that you grew
vulnerable with age
with every name
that pain claimed?
When was the first time you cried and nobody came?
That you were shouting into desolation,
desperately searching for another because
you realized what it meant to be truly alone
and didn’t want to be?
Who was the first person you loved so much,
it made you sick?
Were they the one who answered your call?
Make you feel something that lived between your
heart
and
soul but couldn’t be defined-
and you accepted that it, like nothing else,
existed without understanding?
When did they break you?
Were you surprised by how deeply you were gutted?
That you hated yourself more
than what they had done to you?
Why had you trusted them, knowing mankind is
innately fallacious
because you are fallacious?
Why did you still long to?
When did you decide to do it again?
This time, did you hold the knife?
Do you understand that when you look at the sky,
you are choked by an understanding
that you don't fully know?
Do you understand that this is different
from the freedom of believing that
all we know is all there is to know?
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