Conversations With Myself [A Collection]

The collection, "Conversations With Myself," is a reflection of my personal encounters. It tells a tale of the deepest and darkest events of my life, sworn to secrecy. So, I write them down; the things I want to say, the stories I wish to tell. These are conversations I have with myself.

I. My Anxiety & Me

I can hear the words of one just like me

I think they want me to answer, but my lips are sealed

Still, I open them but the words that come out play back in stutters

How I miss the quiet

The thump in my heart screams like a hazard

The heat closes in on my skin, then sinks in miles and miles within its measure

I hear the words of one just like me again

I feel myself going into a dead end

Anti-socialism has always been engraved in me

It’s what I’ve always been drowning in

I came out haunted,

every molecule I had took advantage

Never once given a chance, you see,

I was always destined for misery

I hear the words of one just like me

I’m encased by anxiety, thrown back and forth by my winning enemy

I’m short of sane mentality, it’s a nightmare

My anxiety and me

II. Little Child

I didn’t know, that back in the day

You were throwing my throne

I didn’t know, what it would’ve meant

To my little-girl-soul

Oh your treacherous glow

I took it for a charming, cynical delight

Your mastermind goal, who would’ve known

It was a plan to lose my sights

We moved into a love affair

Painting up a picturesque

view of my innocence

But you derived from my youthfulness

Washing your hands after a night of significance

Your skin touching my skin

But I burned from your cavalier lips

Nothing has been familiar

everytime I look in the mirror

While the memory stayed dark

The light bulb strikes before the upcoming lark

When I’m solely wrapped up in my own thoughts

I think back to a time

When a man was simply a man

And a little girl who lived without a fault

III. Hometown

Do you see my hometown?

It’s a field full of nothings now

All the buildings torn down

No more of the chirping sounds

Memories of the sunny afternoon

Haunted all my midnight blues

Once a view, but now a sad truth

Now there’s nothing left to lose

We ran and played on the shade of emerald green

The wind blew, and the kites were flying with glee

I had excitement hidden under my sleeves

Smiling from ear to ear, it was a beautiful memory

Such innocence came in the prospect of youth

Eating candy and ice cream, feeding my sweet tooth

For Barbie, and Disney, I pledged to them my childhood

I said, “If I had this forever, that’d be so cool!”

Hold on to your childlike whims

I promise it’s full of valuable means

Sometimes I wonder about my teddy bear, Winnie

Would he be proud of me? Honestly?

I wonder if he would be

IV. Crime

The smell of your corrupted lungs

I must admit, it used to entice me with such charm

your bad boy moves kept me together like glue

I’ll tell you, poison never tasted so good

all our puzzle pieces fit together

our love story went on like a harmonious weather

But like a sudden wave of earth’s tantrums

You hit me like a brick, full of bloodied anger

I was your anchor, but I was weak and bruised

And just like a fool, you remain my solitude

I should call you my crime

you were forbidden, illegal and full of cursed demise

but I was completely blind,

to your torturous mind

I was mindless,

you were heartless

Cruelty ran through your flesh and bones

Yet I let you sit on my throne

I won’t forgive, nor will I forget

But I’ll cherish the good that we had

a cliche I know, “your love felt like butterflies”

but in the end, let’s be honest, it was nothing short of lies

V. Stolen Whisper

In all my days, I never found my place

Even with you, I never found my face

Though I felt you there, even with your warm embrace

I could never call you my saving grace

Maybe the wolf cried ‘terror!’ in vain

But when you left, every part of me screamed your name

Your memories, painted and flushing through my veins

The doctors refused to pick out my pain

I said goodbye and heard my heartstrings tearing

It sounds like a cancer-filled death is nearing

Did you ever notice my faith wavering?

Because of you, my name was sinning

I felt like a stolen whisper

You stole my voice, now my message is unclear

I never took you for a lover’s crime

I always thought you were a sweet lullaby

Never mind, it was time for a goodbye

VI. Lilac Dream

I fell in a rabbit hole

And with each passing day, I lost my backbone

It felt like I was a complete stone

I had riches on the surface

Sadness disguised as scratches

I lived a world full of madness

Before you came along, I thought I knew better

But then the world shined brighter

And my heart grew warmer

Soon enough, lilac dreams clouded my mind

And suddenly I stopped feeding my lust for crime

I could've sworn, you came in as a lullaby

I think cupid was there, but he was scarlet

You were an exquisite thing, so maybe he was an angel incarnate

You laughed at my jokes, and replaced my prison with flowers

Slowly, my world bloomed with a smile and fresh harvests

After a number of hopeless romantics,

Who knew that I’d be struck with my destined love story?

I dreamt of a paradise, but never have I imagined a real-life fantasy

I found a way out of the rabbit hole

I lost my riches, but I’ve got a heart of gold

With you by my side, how could I ever feel alone?

VII. Rose-Coloured Glasses

We’re lucky to experience this kind of romance

Does it feel like love in its theatrical sense?

Or do you think it mimics that of a celestial event?

I think it’s what Shakespeare would have read

My midnight wish is that this romance won’t be momentary

For I love the homey musk in that body scent you carry

This affair of ours is almost tangible, no signs of tragedy

I pray to God that that is what it will he

Did you know your eyes follow that of a crescent moon?

When you smile, you glow like the sunset’s hue

Truly adorable, everyday I’m thankful

For how could I have been so lucky that my prophecy is you?

If I’m blind, please keep it secret

My rose-coloured glasses are what keeps me full of spirit

With exception to your warm embrace, it’s astonishingly sacred

Cherish me in your heart, and I promise you this story will be infinite

VIII. Winnie The Pooh

If I could paint a picture of my childhood,

I’d paint up Winnie The Pooh

I’d throw a ceremony for that yellow face

He stays in my memory like childlike faith

Resilient, happy and curious

The times spent with him was simply luxurious

Wouldn’t change it for the world

His honey-covered hands, he was simply absurd

I’d cuddle with him as I sleep

With my little nightlight, and my innocent dreams

At school, I’d name him my best friend

I’d show him off to everyone in the land

Looking back, he would have made growing up a lot easier

A reminder of him would’ve made my mind a little clearer

Oh that bundle of joy, how I’ve missed him and his pointy nose

All the adventures up in the meadows, it was a life full of hope

IX. Red Lights

‘Warning, warning!’

The lights were screaming red

And a stop sign, appears in the back of my head

‘Leave, or forever be scarred’

But my stubborn bones kept screaming ‘Lies!’

I went and went

Kept my bulletproof, young heart, in kempt

But nobody ever made a living at camp

Exposed my skin, and sold my youthful innocence

But none of the riches’ measure, could hide my shameful scent

‘Warning, warning!’

Too late to turn back time

These running tears, drained of my might

Only left with scissored down pride, to complement my broken wings

If masculinity taught me anything, it’s that they’d take down everything

Should there be a soul in sight, catch them before they make an escape

One could not live in this world, without their heart kept safe

I’ve lost the security laced in my bones,

every time a man leaves me his throne

‘Warning, warning!’

Forever be scarred, indeed

To what do I owe the misery?

The red lights, has no silver lining

X. Aphrodite

I love touching your skin

It’s like summer and winter wrapped into one

The way you paint your lips onto me

Like an element of surprise of being the one you want

It’s tattooed in my heart, that this love won’t be counterfeit

But I’ll confess my truth, my veins and my insecurities are intertwined

Do you think I’m pretty, like the goddess Aphrodite?

Would you inject your love into me like Greek times?

I’m not searching for fatal attractions

I won’t beg for a lie or a Shakespeare love affair

But I do ask for your confession

What is love if not just and fair?

I think your eyes hold the jewel of innocence

Adam & eve could never defeat your measure

Your beauty is that of masculine elegance

But pray tell, do I give your eyes pleasure?

XI. Midnight Conversations

Midnight conversations always comfort me

It’s always full of pain injected so deeply

So full of starlight hope and pretty galaxy wonder

We’re truly human when our masks are stripped from under

Secrets are shared, feelings are confessed

The midnight truth could be exciting or leave a mess

Some say it’s human atoms that come to coalesce-

when human meets human, and they’re all undressed

The moment is beautiful when the clock strikes twelve

It’s when we all come together to meet ourselves

Freed from painful realms and hard shells

Engaging in midnight conversation, is to be compelled

XII. A Bully Strikes

‘Hear, hear!’

The bullies are here

Come to show their might, and bring about fear

Pray for the citizens, they are the inferior

They’ve come to kill, they’ve got hands of a killer

‘Hear, hear!’

Beware of their canons,

they’ll target your souls

And leave you abandoned

Their hands like devil, your lives they’ll dampen

Despite the light, your days they’ll darken

‘Hear, hear!’

Please be my witness

My bones are poisoned from their deadly venoms

Their greatest gift is their greatest weakness

A bully strikes, and claims their vengeance

Leave me authority, I’ll have them sentenced

Give them death, and take away their descendants

The blood of a bully will stay contagious

Look at all the damage, they’re all infected